Got to get some things off my chest . . .

Well I know I hardly blog these days so I don't know if anyone still reads but anyhow I need to get how I'm feeling down.

I've been waiting for a time that I was strong enough so I could write it down without bawling my eyes out.

I thought life was going okay, pretty good even.  You would of seen on facebook my posts of Surfers where I took Mr T for his birthday and also shared with you the progress we had made on our new place at the beach.  I thought things were pretty bloody good.

But apparently not.  

My son had been staying with us every other weekend when he has his kids.  This was to be a temporary solution until he found a place of his own.  Six months later he didn't look like he was in any hurry either.  He was very settled at home.  I also felt that I was the one doing the things with the kids, which is okay, but as it's the only time he gets to see them really it was him that they should be spending the most time with.  

This was starting to bug me a bit and I was getting ready to tell him he needed to find another solution.  Mr T hadn't said anything but you could feel the tension there. 

Anyway we were heading back from the beach on anniversary weekend, which we'd finally finished the caravan and annexe and had moved in, when I had very gently said to him "could you please be nice to Nick when we get home", and that was it.  He absolutely exploded and ranted on about him, how he was lazy and using us, and I take sides, I put Nick before him and so on - you get the gist.  I tried to say he's my son but he was so worked up he just didn't want to listen to me or reason.  In fact anything I said only made him angrier.  

So we called in to the workshop and I got my car and he said he wasn't coming home while Nick was there and I said fine it was probably for the best as also my grandbabies were there and I didn't want them to witness any arguments.  

So I went home.  Told Nick the truth, he was upset naturally, but we stayed up talking about it and eventually things were calmer.  I went to bed that night worrying about Mr T and where he was and if he was okay.  

After about 2 hours sleep I txt my boss to tell him I would be in later in the morning as I wasn't feeling well and tried to get back to sleep only to be phoned 10 mins later by our staff wanting to know where the boss was.  Then the office girl phoned and she wanted to know the same, so I explained a little bit and told her we'd had a disagreement and that I'd get dressed and come down.

I went down and still no show.  Our bank accounts hadn't been touched.  I was really worried.  Then about 11am he used the bank account and at least I knew he was okay and alive.  I thought I saw his truck go past so I figured he didn't want to come in while I was there.  So I left.  

To cut this story short the downside is that he never came home.  He stayed away, let me worry sick about him, wouldn't talk to me.  Business stuff was done by emails.  I was absolutely gutted. I ached so bad.  I really didn't know what I had done.

Lucky I had a friend who had come back from Aussie and she came straight down and thank god she looked after me.  I hit rock bottom on the Saturday.  Jude just sat there and listened to me and made sure I ate.  She was a godsend at that time.  

I must of had a reasonable sleep that night because I woke up Sunday with a lot more clarity and I felt a lot stronger. 

Monday was a bit different - it was my birthday.  I'd planned a day of pampering to help get me through and to wonder if today was the day I'd hear from him.  So I went and got my hair done, which I totally love, and some more pampering.  When I got home I made myself look pretty and put on a nice dress.  Jude and I were going to go out to dinner to celebrate my birthday.  Just before 5 the florist arrived with a dozen red roses and a card that said "love you".   I have to say it cheered me up a bit.  I thought maybe things would get better.  

Tuesday I went to work feeling positive, Wednesday was Waitangi Day a holiday, so I had planned lots of things to keep me busy.  I got home on Tuesday, and slowly slowly I started crumbling.  I thought he might have turned up but he didn't.  Wednesday, my plan to keep busy didn't eventuate because I couldn't sit still for more than a couple of minutes.  As the day went on I got worse and I ended up sobbing so hard.  I was really broken.  I felt I couldn't go on much longer without sleep.  Something had to give so I msged him to call me.  And still I waited.  Three hours later I saw that he had come online so I msged him again to tell him to come home, I was broken and I couldn't sleep.  This time he phoned me.  We chatted for a bit, he said he'd been through a lot and that he had snapped, nothing made sense to him.  He'd questioned if he really loved me and he'd worked through that one and the answer was yes.  I told him to come home and he said he couldn't because he'd been drinking. So I really broke down then and he was talking to me like the loving husband I knew.  His phone was going flat so he was going to charge it and phone me back in 15 mins.  

When the phone went it was Kelly, our daughter and she told me she had just put dad in the car.  Told us to be gentle with each other and just to cuddle and try and go to sleep.  Talk later when we were both a bit more stronger.

Best thing ever was when my husband opened the slider and came in with his bags and came and gave me a hug and a kiss and cuddled me while I had another big bawl.  

The last week and a half has been a new journey.    There has been a lot of talking - mainly from him.  We are both open to counselling if we need it because we both are determined to make it and be a stronger couple, together.  

I still have a lot more to tell but I won't just now.  I just realised that this was a place I could get my feelings out without worrying about family reading.  I put up a msg on facebook saying I felt sad.  I got a lot msgs about that, but also my m-i-l who I had to tell I was just reminiscing because I didn't want her to worry.

I've said enough today.  It's still quite emotional.  I'll write some more tomorrow.