Friday, February 22, 2019

It's like starting all over . . .

So I thought I'd share a couple of photos of my new hair cut and colour.  I'm not sure if the photos do it justice but I tell you I love it.  It makes feel good and that's the main thing.

So anyway following on from my last post everything is still a work in progress.  

We spent the last week and a bit talking.  Mainly it was him doing the talking and me listening.  Some of things he said hurt and I thought unjustified.  But I still let him talk and get if off his chest.  He made him feel better anyway.  

I wanted to go to the beach last weekend and that was good.  Nice and romantic.  We both enjoyed the peace and quiet and relaxing and even had a few strolls along the beach arm and arm.  

The place looks so good.

That bus wasn't ruining our beach view - lucky it has now been moved permanently.  

While we were apart I had come to the conclusion that I needed to declutter and regain control of the house again.   Colin had been staying with his daughter and son-in-law and he's a bit of a organised person - everything has its place- and its rubbed off on him.  So we've spent a lot of time working our way through the house decluttering as we go and its been really good.  The house looks really good.  The only problem is that he wants everything done right now and there's no way that's going to happen.  I don't work hard all day to come home and work hard all night.  But every night we are doing a little bit.  We've established a better routine for ourselves at night whereas he'll get the washing in and fold it and put it away, do another load and hang it out while I just potter and clear a wee bit more.  In about a month we will have the inside and outside looking just great and then we can work on the fix up things we need to do.  I tell you it's so nice having someone helping me - together we are getting heaps done.  

So things have been moving along nicely until a couple of nights ago.   It seems like he's trying to control me, I know he has the power to hurt me so I've been holding back.  The other night he said something and I said back well I haven't said how I feel yet and he said well tell me, I said no because you've been drinking.  So he hammered me and in the end I told him a bit.  But instead of listening he get interrupting me and justifying himself that in the end I left him to it and he kept on drinking so I went to bed.  

In the morning somehow he had turned it all around apparently everything was my fault and I had to really think about things.  WTF.  So for the last couple of days and nights things have been a little bit "quiet" between us.  

I'm just going to leave for a bit and hopefully he will come around.  One thing I do know is that I do value my own self worth.  I love my husband and I love what we had and that's what I'm fighting for.  But I am not going to be used or taken advantage of or controlled.  I am the stronger one.  So I will stand my ground.  

I think maybe it might be time to get the counsellor involved.  That is, if he's still agreeable.  

Only time will tell.

I hope my next post will be more positive. 

Monday, February 18, 2019

Got to get some things off my chest . . .

Well I know I hardly blog these days so I don't know if anyone still reads but anyhow I need to get how I'm feeling down.

I've been waiting for a time that I was strong enough so I could write it down without bawling my eyes out.

I thought life was going okay, pretty good even.  You would of seen on facebook my posts of Surfers where I took Mr T for his birthday and also shared with you the progress we had made on our new place at the beach.  I thought things were pretty bloody good.

But apparently not.  

My son had been staying with us every other weekend when he has his kids.  This was to be a temporary solution until he found a place of his own.  Six months later he didn't look like he was in any hurry either.  He was very settled at home.  I also felt that I was the one doing the things with the kids, which is okay, but as it's the only time he gets to see them really it was him that they should be spending the most time with.  

This was starting to bug me a bit and I was getting ready to tell him he needed to find another solution.  Mr T hadn't said anything but you could feel the tension there. 

Anyway we were heading back from the beach on anniversary weekend, which we'd finally finished the caravan and annexe and had moved in, when I had very gently said to him "could you please be nice to Nick when we get home", and that was it.  He absolutely exploded and ranted on about him, how he was lazy and using us, and I take sides, I put Nick before him and so on - you get the gist.  I tried to say he's my son but he was so worked up he just didn't want to listen to me or reason.  In fact anything I said only made him angrier.  

So we called in to the workshop and I got my car and he said he wasn't coming home while Nick was there and I said fine it was probably for the best as also my grandbabies were there and I didn't want them to witness any arguments.  

So I went home.  Told Nick the truth, he was upset naturally, but we stayed up talking about it and eventually things were calmer.  I went to bed that night worrying about Mr T and where he was and if he was okay.  

After about 2 hours sleep I txt my boss to tell him I would be in later in the morning as I wasn't feeling well and tried to get back to sleep only to be phoned 10 mins later by our staff wanting to know where the boss was.  Then the office girl phoned and she wanted to know the same, so I explained a little bit and told her we'd had a disagreement and that I'd get dressed and come down.

I went down and still no show.  Our bank accounts hadn't been touched.  I was really worried.  Then about 11am he used the bank account and at least I knew he was okay and alive.  I thought I saw his truck go past so I figured he didn't want to come in while I was there.  So I left.  

To cut this story short the downside is that he never came home.  He stayed away, let me worry sick about him, wouldn't talk to me.  Business stuff was done by emails.  I was absolutely gutted. I ached so bad.  I really didn't know what I had done.

Lucky I had a friend who had come back from Aussie and she came straight down and thank god she looked after me.  I hit rock bottom on the Saturday.  Jude just sat there and listened to me and made sure I ate.  She was a godsend at that time.  

I must of had a reasonable sleep that night because I woke up Sunday with a lot more clarity and I felt a lot stronger. 

Monday was a bit different - it was my birthday.  I'd planned a day of pampering to help get me through and to wonder if today was the day I'd hear from him.  So I went and got my hair done, which I totally love, and some more pampering.  When I got home I made myself look pretty and put on a nice dress.  Jude and I were going to go out to dinner to celebrate my birthday.  Just before 5 the florist arrived with a dozen red roses and a card that said "love you".   I have to say it cheered me up a bit.  I thought maybe things would get better.  

Tuesday I went to work feeling positive, Wednesday was Waitangi Day a holiday, so I had planned lots of things to keep me busy.  I got home on Tuesday, and slowly slowly I started crumbling.  I thought he might have turned up but he didn't.  Wednesday, my plan to keep busy didn't eventuate because I couldn't sit still for more than a couple of minutes.  As the day went on I got worse and I ended up sobbing so hard.  I was really broken.  I felt I couldn't go on much longer without sleep.  Something had to give so I msged him to call me.  And still I waited.  Three hours later I saw that he had come online so I msged him again to tell him to come home, I was broken and I couldn't sleep.  This time he phoned me.  We chatted for a bit, he said he'd been through a lot and that he had snapped, nothing made sense to him.  He'd questioned if he really loved me and he'd worked through that one and the answer was yes.  I told him to come home and he said he couldn't because he'd been drinking. So I really broke down then and he was talking to me like the loving husband I knew.  His phone was going flat so he was going to charge it and phone me back in 15 mins.  

When the phone went it was Kelly, our daughter and she told me she had just put dad in the car.  Told us to be gentle with each other and just to cuddle and try and go to sleep.  Talk later when we were both a bit more stronger.

Best thing ever was when my husband opened the slider and came in with his bags and came and gave me a hug and a kiss and cuddled me while I had another big bawl.  

The last week and a half has been a new journey.    There has been a lot of talking - mainly from him.  We are both open to counselling if we need it because we both are determined to make it and be a stronger couple, together.  

I still have a lot more to tell but I won't just now.  I just realised that this was a place I could get my feelings out without worrying about family reading.  I put up a msg on facebook saying I felt sad.  I got a lot msgs about that, but also my m-i-l who I had to tell I was just reminiscing because I didn't want her to worry.

I've said enough today.  It's still quite emotional.  I'll write some more tomorrow.

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Happy . . .

Life is great, things are going way better than expected ( I hope I don't bloody jinx it)  we are good, we are happy, we are relaxed.

Finally after nearly 31 years I am child free - and it's such an awesome feeling.

I'm so stoked and enjoying life so much without having to worry about everyone else.  Mr T and I are just doing what we bloody well want.  

Summer's coming so I need to get healthy and fit.  I'm so looking forward to it.

I started back on keto last Thursday and I'm down 1.8 kgs so far.  Feeling good about everything at the moment - long may it continue.   :) 

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Hi . .

So many times and I have been meaning to do an update and just never got around to it. The longer you leave it the harder it is to get back too as well.

But all is well.  I have to say I'm in a very good place, in fact the best I've been in a long time.  I try not to let things stress me out too much.  Mr T is pretty much the same too - not so stressed.

Lot's has happened so I thought instead of writing about it - I'll just show you some pictures.

So, last year we did a little cruise, the same one that Lynda was on.  Albeit we only saw each other briefly.  We had a ball and decided next time we were going on a longer cruise. 

We became grandparents again . . . no. 6  This is Jakeb, another cutie who's already growing up so fast.

My little brother got married . . . I was asked to speak at the wedding, I am somehow the matriach of the family.  

And of course there was fishing . . .

Another Christmas Day on the ocean

We got ourselves a little place at the beach . . .

It was a bit grotty inside but I gave it a makeover.

Before . . .

I'm really pleased with how much better it looks.

After . . .

I decided to paint the pool over my summer hols . . . bloody nearly killed me, soooo hot 

Wouldn't you know it I got right to the corner and my roller gave out.  So I had to wait till the next day to go and get another.

But in the end it was well worth the result.

Well time tracked pretty quickly especially now with heading up to the beach nearly every second weekend and before you knew it - it was Raro time.

This year is our 10th wedding anniversary and we decided last year we'd go back for our wedding anniversary - so said of talking about it - I did something about it.

I booked and paid for it last year.

I have to say that this is the most relaxed I've seen us for a very long time.

We have arrived

Just like me remembered

Trying to get a hang of this selfie stick

Add caption
This is the life - we lived in our pool

Just as we remembered it

Happy Anniversary huney . . .

Weight wise, I'm starting to lose weight - slowly but at least it's nice to see it going down not up.  More on that next time. There's enough for today.

I'll try not to be so long between posts again.


Friday, June 23, 2017

Miserable day . . .

Winter has well and truly arrived.  

A very bleak day,  - wet, cold and windy.  The garden at work is looking quite glum.  

Looking at this it seems like I'm going to have to get the cobbles and the wall sprayed again before too long.  

So I'm slowly getting back on track with healthy eating and living.
And I do mean slowly.  I'm not very well prepared I'm afraid.  Josh came home from his cooking class the other day with a couple of bacon an egg pies (without the pastry).  Just perfect for me.

This weekend I'm going to get myself organised.  

This supermarket opened yesterday literally two minutes walk from where we live. I love it.  I can't wait to get in there.  I love how everythings packaged.   I'm so looking forward not having to battle the masses and the convenience.  We also have a mad butcher further down where I always buy my meat in bulk and package it up.  Preparation for me is the key.  I'm just going to have to keep myself organised.

Tomorrow, I'm catching up with my grandbabies.  I don't get them to see them as often as I use to since Nick and Janelle broke up.  I met up with Janelle a little while ago to discuss me having the kids are bit more and not having to wait until they're with their dad.  She is more than happy for that.

She sent me a photo last night of Lucas helping his sister with her homework.  

So lunch is nearly over so I better get myself sorted and back to work.

Looks like a miserable weekend ahead so stay warm and dry.


It's like starting all over . . .

So I thought I'd share a couple of photos of my new hair cut and colour.  I'm not sure if the photos do it justice but I tell you ...